bAbY biAnCa’S cRiB

thinking of the things that happened to me for the whole year… grabe! super dami and super bilis. i even can’t remember all the details. but here are the highlights:

january… sad but the start of a big opportunity for me! have to be away from my family for two months and the start to be away also from my special someone. plus facing the obstacles which surprised me in a way because i cannot imagine how i have handled those things.

february… celebrating my birthday (for the 1st time) alone. yeah so sad! but, i was able to celebrate it through the phone talking to my family and of course (hindi mawawala) to my special someone. i cannot forget how he snail-mailed me a birthday card. whew! na-touch ako… as in! not just because of the card but also because of the content. after a week i celebrated my birthday, i got a nice present (good news). as in super nice talaga!

march… back at home and after two weeks, i went to where my heart belongs to (chinky!). yeah, that’s the good news i’m talking about earlier. hehehe… so happy! :)

april… have to go back home and be awaken from the ecstatic dream i’m having. sadness… melancholy. adjustment period. plus the instant message that can change the things that could happen in the future.

may… good opportunity again for me! and this time i knew i’ll have fun. being with my teammates in a foreign land. hmmmm… not so bad at all. start of having fun! as the saying states, "sunrise comes after the dawn" (not sure kung correct ako, hihihihi!).

june… fun continues and the opportunity continues! but despite the fun, there’s something missing. but you don’t have a choice but to wait for that missing something.

july… naynay visited me! and at the end of the month, back at home! so excited to go back. but have no clue at what could happen… hmmm… as in clueless!

august… bombshell! chaos! but there’s serenity and tranquility. what!?! yeah, you’ve heard it! chaos and serenity combined. OMG

september… everything’s sinking in. the reality creeping - slowly yet deep. the smile can conceal the sadness, but the reality cannot.

october… november… december… still looking forward on the next months to come…

first of all, congrats ko muna UPLB COSS for being a runner-up sa Cheering competition and to Margaux for being the People’s Choice of Mr. and Ms. PalaCASan.

last Friday yung BuCASan… i remember those days na pumupunta ako eLBi para makanood ng opening ( i think last na nood ko pa ay july2005). na-miss ko yun. lalo na yung college days ko. hehehe… excited kami sa opening kasi it’s the start of the whole sem na meron sportsfest. actually, 1st sem ang fave ko nun na time because of that.

hmmmm.. my plan is to visit there again pagbalik ko. hehehe… nood ako ulit ng games and eventually maki-bonding sa mga orgmates ko and alumni na iba na rin. hehehehe…

shocks! alumni na ako. tumatanda na talaga! when i saw the pics from last Friday (thanks again for renee! ito yung link - http://picasaweb. google.com/ sugartipsy/ Bucasan2007? authkey=pTUvmt0C 6CU) dun ko na-realize na hindi ko na masyado kilala yung mga current resident members. hehehe… although yung mga naabutan ko pa nun, of course tanda ko pa rin silla but most of them hindi ko na kilala. hehehe…

haaaayyyy… wanna go back there… para naman enjoy ulit. i really miss eLBi especially the apartment that i had (with my housemates) nung 4th year ako.

after seeing the pics from the COSS anniv celebration (thanks for renee… ito pala yung link - http://picasaweb. google.com/ reneemarukot/ UPLBCOSS24thAnni versaryCelebrati on?authkey= YktJdIS2kLE), ayun… na-miss ko bigla eLBi. haaaayyy… kaka-miss yung parang walang katapusan na gimiks sa apt namin nina mapet, may, and chet. naisip ko minsan, parang masarap bumalik sa pagiging student para magawa ko ulit yung mga ginagawa ko before and ma-try ko pa gawin yung hindi ko nagawa. but no, hindi na pwede. hehehe… time really passes so fast… gusto ko balik ulit ng eLBi. i miss my friends there. hehehe… drama noh! pero it’s true… eLBi is one of the biggest parts of my life talaga and has one of the biggest impacts in me.

please click on this link…

http://apps.rockyou.com/rockyou.swf?instanceid=61163829&ver=102906

whatever comes our way, whatever battles we have raging inside us, we always have a choice… it’s the choices that make us who we are, and we can always choose to do what’s right… - Peter Parker

i do believe in what this line wants to point out. i am not what i am if i did not choose the options i have  back then. i might be a different person now having another path in life, another person with different thoughts and beliefs…

there are times when i doubt if what i chose is the right one for me. there are times where i regret the things that i have opted for another one. and there are also times when i ask myself, "have i done or chose the right thing?"

i compare myself to a reinforcement learning agent (sorry a little bit of nerdy thing… it’s a term used in reinforcement learning for computers). the agents are not told which actions to take and they must discover on their own which actions or choices yield the most rewarding by trying them. the basic principle in here is to capture the most important aspects of the real problem by interacting with the uncertain environment to be able to achieve a goal. however, the agent must be able to know the trade-off between exploring and exploiting. the agent must favor the choices or actions that it has tried in the past and found to be effective to obtain a more favorable outcome. but in order to discover such choices or actions, it has to try the choices or actions not selected before. "the agent has to exploit what it already knows in order to obtain reward, but it also has to explore in order to make good decisions in the future." same with me, i have the option to exploit the choices i have made before, that i know have made me happy; but i still have to explore to know which decisions would really make me happier than before.

so here’s the challenge i’m facing again and another big decision to make… should i exploit or explore???

woooohhoooo… i need to take a deep breath. rant and rant and rant. i can’t stop myself in ranting. i’ve been so busy lately and got tired, and here are these unexpected things are keep on coming and i just can’t help to ask, is my patience being tested??? i don’t want to be angry. i don’t want to feel bad. i want to stop thinking and weighing things over my head. i want peace… "I’ve paid for a considerable price for the little I have gained. I’ve been forced to deny myself things I’ve wanted to, to abandon so many roads that were open to me. I’ve sacrificed my dreams in the name of a larger dream - a peaceful soul…"

watching the play made me realize how fortunate I am to listen to music and different sounds… Alice was portrayed by a deaf girl. all of the casts were deaf… yup, they were all deaf, no sense of hearing. yet, they were able to show or reveal what life really means… grabe, na-touch ako sa play na yun. i was able to see how dedicated their teachers and their principal  in instructing them how to act and specially in teaching them patiently… i felt lucky for being one of the people to witness them perform and prove to ‘normal’ people what they can do despite of their deafness. there were also singers who performed after the play. one of the songs na hindi ko talaga malilimutan ay ito…

SARANGGOLA SA ULAN
Gary Granada

naririnig ko pa ang tawa’t hagikhik
ng una kong sinta at kalarong paslit
at ang sabi ng matatanda
siya ay maalwan, ako’y dukha
di raw kami bagay at kayraming dahilan
ngunit si bakekay ay walang pakialam
sa aming kamusmusan kayraming palaisipan
ngunit tatlong bagay ang aking natutunan
ang pag-asa’y walang hanggan
ang pag-ibig ay walang hadlang
at lilipad ang saranggola sa ulan
at kung ang pagsinta ay di man nagtagal
ang mas mahalaga natutong magmahal
umibig nang walang panghihinayang
kahit malamang na masaktan
kanina lang, sa akig tabi’y may aleng lumiko
at sa pagmamadali, nasagi ang aking puso
eto na naman ako sa aking kabaliwan
na sinasabi nga nilang suntok sa buwan
ngunit hindi hihindian
ng tulad kong natuto nang
magpalipad ng saranggola sa ulan
gaya ng lagi’t laging sinasabi ko
o siya nawa ay siya na nga ang totoo
eto na naman ako sa aking kabaliawn
na sinasabi nga nilang suntok sa buwan
ngunit hindi hihindian
ng tulad kong natuto nang
magpalipad ng saranggola sa ulan
heto ako tumatandang nakahandang panindigang
ang bato sa tubig ay lulutang
at lilipad ang saranggola sa ulan

lalo ko lang na-realize na although life is full of challenges and sufferings, there are still good things life can offer. sabi nga sa quote eh ‘Life is indeed full of contradictions. Sometimes it’s crazy to be sane, you need to fall to fly, people suffer because you care. .. You have to unlearn to know the lesson, you have to give up because you are strong… you have to be wrong to make things right. Nonetheless, life’s complexities are also life’s source of beauty.’ Right!?! J

Been running from this feeling for so long
Telling my heart I didn't need it
Pretending I was better off alone
But I know that it's just a lie
So afraid to take a chance again
So afraid of what I feel inside

But I need to be next to you
Oh I, oh I
I need to share every breath of you
Oh I, oh I
I need to know I can see you smile each morning
Looking to your eyes each night for the rest of my life
Here with you, near with you, oh I
I need to be next to you
Need to be next to you

Right here with you is right where I belong
I lose my mind if I can't see you
Without you there's nothing in this life
I would make life worth living for
I can't make it if you're not there
I can't fight what I feel any more

Cause I need to be next to you
Oh I, oh I
I need to share every breath of you
Oh I, oh I
I need to know I can see you smile this morning
Looking to your eyes each night for the rest of my life
Here with you, near with you, oh I
I need to be next to you
I need to have your arms next to mine for all the time
Holding for all my life
I need to be next to you
I need to be next to you
Oh I, oh I
Need to be, need to be next to you
Share every breath of you
I need to feel you in my arms, baby, in my arms baby
I need to be next to you

waaaaaaahhhhhh… yoko na… late na me sobra… sabagay, before pa naman alam ko na too late na ako eh go pa rin me. haaaaaayyyyyy… ang hirap. pero ok na rin, at least close na ang ‘unfinished business’ ko. yun nga lang yung ‘the one that got away’ ko eh di na mawawala… waaaaahhhhh… i just have to move on na lang…

Rush
MYMP

I look up and say my pray’r
At times i feel there’s no one there
Though i asked for a shoulder
That i could lean on
What’s deep in my heart
He knows what i’m longing for

Refrain:
And then that’s when i met you
Faith could have brought me to you
I know you’re my answered pray’r
‘cause i see in you

Chorus:
Eyes that could see through me
Warmth that takes away my plea
Where my heart is felt as it changes speed
I know when it’s time we allow love to take its seat

I taunt when there’s no one to talk to
I’m lost for words and darkness makes me blue
And i ask for a shoulder
That i could lean on
What’s deep in my heart
He knows what i’m longin’ for

(repeat refrain; chorus; refrain)

Chorus:
Eyes that could see through me
Warmth that takes away my plea
Where my heart is felt as it changes speed
I know that it’s time we allow love to take its seat (repeat 2x)